Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
