I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
