For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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