how can u be prego again
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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