can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
