only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
