An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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