dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
