Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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