I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
