She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
