he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize
