I have demons in me.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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