Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
