the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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