i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
