I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
