i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Woke up backwards on a recliner
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
