I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
