So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
