I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I don't think brook has ever known best
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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