so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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