ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
