oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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