i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Girls should come with a carfax report
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
