I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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