After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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