yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
