my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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