Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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