normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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