This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
