Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
