So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
