Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
