Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
