...so i touched it.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
