Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
