I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
