apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
