Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
