I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
