my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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