apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Alive.
So much puke
We're too hungover to prance.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
