just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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