I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
