I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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