I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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