You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
