we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
