I'm so fucking centered right now
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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